Well, I Believe

Sherry. Being a Geek. On YouTube.

Hello Sherry's Adoring Public,

I'm Kevin and I hacked into Sherry's blog. Actually, Sherry has referenced me on the blog as "Mensa Kevin" and my "hacking" was really Sherry just giving me her login information. Aside: Sherry, you could have chosen a less obvious password than "IWantToBeLikeKevin".

While I'm sure you all want me to wax nostalgic about being a coworker of Sherry's, my real intention here is to post a YouTube video from a recent conference we attended. I'm sure Sherry would have embedded the video if she knew how, so I don't think she'll be too upset with me.

A few interesting facts about the video:

• When she started working here, Sherry swore up and down that she'd never be in front of the camera.
• That didn't last long.
• Even after losing that battle, she said that she'd never be caught talking on camera.
• I bet you know where this is going:

Without even batting an eye, Sherry explains (on video) how to complete the "Server Challenge."

A few months ago, she was frustratedly asking me how to turn on her laptop (I recommended the power button ... which worked) and look at her now ... They grow up so fast.

The Hospital Scene of 2008

Most of you that know me, also know that I am going on about 4 years of being a House worthy medical mystery.  I have more crazy things happen to me in doctor’s offices and hospitals than just about anyone I know.  A good friend mentioned to me to today that her favorite Big Sara story is the “Hospital Scene of 08”… so I thought I would take the long walk (2 ft) to the computer and tell you all about the “Hospital Scene of 08.”

So one day at work, I feel quite weak, nauseous and very dizzy.  I have horrible pains in my sides and back.  I decide it would be a good idea to go the hospital.  Conveniently, Big Sara is off school - I think she was on Spring Break.  Yes, she was on Spring Break.  Since she is about 4 minutes from my office and MY MOTHER… I thought she would want to take me to the hospital.  She let me interrupt her calligraphy party long enough to give me a ride to the Emergency Room.  And yes, you read that correctly she was hand writing out all the place cards for the Woodard- Porterfield Wedding.  All 1 million of them.

She drops me off and goes to park.  And yes, you read that correctly as well.  She dropped me off, I wasn’t entirely sure she was going to come back for me.  But she did.  And here is how I know… after vomiting in the waiting room bathroom and passing out while completing the forms required by the ER lady I was rushed in to see a doctor.  I am in and out of consciousness at this point but I am aware that there is much ado surrounding me.  A lovely nurse whose name I can’t remember (but she remembered us at a later visit) is frantically trying to get an IV in me and through the ER TV show worthy chaos a voice like no other breaks through.

In her very best eighth grade English teacher voice/panicked mother screech she yelled “NOT IN HER HAND!  NOT IN HER HAND!  Her sister’s wedding is in a week and I can’t have bruised up hands in the pictures.  Put it somewhere else.”

And yes, you read that correctly.  There was no fear that I was in an out of consciousness, no desperate attempts to ensure my safety and well being but by God, there would be no bruising in the Woodard-Porterfield Wedding photos.

As soon as her priorities and dominance of the Emergency Room were established with that outburst, we settled in for the slew of tests and analysis to determine what was causing me to throw up every day, get dizzy and faint and basically barely be able to function.

The lovely nurse from earlier returned frequently and she and Big Sara had a lovely banter about the wedding plans over my groans of misery.  At which point a young doctor emerged from somewhere to diagnose me.  With Mono.

I responded “Umm, no I can’t have mono.  I am not in junior high.”
Big Sara responded “Shit, I need to call your sister, she had a sore throat.”

So basically, I was given some fluids and told to go on my merry way.  But not to share saliva with anyone. Those were all the instructions from the doctor.  The drive home with my mother contained many more instructions.  Mostly about keeping a good distance from my sister and finishing up my wedding planning tasks.

There are two major problems I have with this story.

1. She was right, of course she was right.  The IV did bruise terribly.  But since it was placed on the inside of my arm near my elbow - it was not visible in a single picture.  Had she not stopped them, about 90% of the photos would have to be altered so that I didn’t look like the battered sister.  It was a good call.  Big Sara is nothing if not a planner.  How she thinks of these things I will never understand. 
   
2. When we returned to the same ER the day after the wedding …I was still throwing up and passing out.  The lovely nurse came in to put in my IV and said “Oh, how was your sister’s wedding?” And since this time it was Elizabeth that took me to the ER - someone finally realized that I hadn’t made the “Hospital Scene of 08” up.   And since the wedding was done, they focused on me for a few minutes and then everyone sat in my hospital room and talked about how great the wedding was. 

Footnote:  I did not have mono but rather a horrendous case of gall stones.  My gall bladder was removed the next day.  Big Sara still denies, not the accuracy of this story, but there was any wrongdoing on her part.

Double Footnote:  I totally forgot to mention that she did leave me there alone for awhile - she had to go have her braces tightened or maybe it was to get retainers.  I think it was retainers... cause she had her braces removed for the wedding and then put back on after.  Yes, you also read that correctly.

Big Sara Weighs In on Genocide of Word

I received this email this morning from my loving mother, Big Sara.  Mensa Kevin, it looks like there is a great "coaching opportunity" for you here... you can teach Big Sara how to post to my blog.  And trust me that's something I would love to see.  I'd take the under on Big Sara beating you down in 30 minutes.  But I digress.  For your reading pleasure is Mom's take on my recent blog posts.  I thought it was pure genius and I think you'll see where I get my particular brand of crazy.

I don't know how to post a reply on your blog, so I'm going to have to use the eighties version of communication - e-mail.  I agree with you about the letters; however, MY biggest peeve is using i for the pronoun I, which everyone learned is capitalized when he/she was in kindergarten.  My students do it repeatedly in things they turn in to me for a grade.  When they say, "That's how I make my I's," I say, "This is how I make my -10 points."  Some of them don't learn the lesson until about May.

 

Also, I'm not thrilled with your foul language.  Use a thesaurus.

 

Love,

Mom

Addendum Brought to You by the Letter U

Dear Adoring Public,

I've heard your outcry and many of you brought some greats points of clarity to my attention.  Many more of you just sent me texts and emails using only letters.  I've deleted you all from my life.

I realize there are a few exceptions to my rant.  These have become part of our vernacular and I accept that.  What I fear most, though, is that some of the dumb ones will also become part of our vernacular and that makes me sad.  Mostly, I fear that the youth of America might actually start to communicate in a totally different language that is only letters.  And then we'll have some kind of National Tragedy when none of them are able to find jobs.

"Is America's Workforce Ignorant?"

Well, actually, yes, Wall Street Journal... they've all graduated from high school and college and they have no idea how to string together a sentence that anyone older than 20 can understand.  It will be the apocalypse of the written word.  Like a damn genocide of the dictionary.  As daughter, grand-daughter and niece to English teachers I fear this day.  Mom and Aunt Sherry - take up your pens and fight!  And now, to all my friends with BAs in English or English Literature... you have a campaign worthy of your best efforts.  Your degree might actually provide you with a workable skill in my little "Fight to Save the English Language"  There is a battle to be waged and only you can do it.  

And this begs the questions for me.. do French speakers whore out their language this way?  Are they sending texts that use a just a V instead of VOUS... are they typing WE instead of OUI?  Do the Chinese only use half of one of those stickmen? Is this an International Crisis?

Regardless, here in no particular order are my exclusions:

- OMG - you can only abbreviate this if you actually say the letters out loud. 

- BTW - it just sounds fun.  So its OK.

- FYI - cause I like it and it started in business and before this teenage nonsense.

- WTF - cause that one just makes you feel better

- FML - see above note on WTF

- LOL - I actually prefer this to haha, unless you are a dude.  I don't think dudes should say LOL.

I am sure there are others, I just can't think of them right now. And WTF, I need to get back to work because OMG I have tons to do.  And BTW FML.

This Message Brought to You by the Letter U

Well, I believe in using words instead of letters.  Today, adoring public you are going to get a rant.  This is about to be a rant worthy of Big Sara.  I am not going to yell about sagging pants, the oil spill, or the economy.  I am about to throw down about people that have stopped using complete WORDS in communications.

I am not even going to ask you to use a complete sentence; I just want you to use a complete word.  I know this will offend some of my loyal readers but that’s just the chance I have to take.  Some of you have offended me by doing exactly what I am about to talk about.  I can’t lie, when you do it, it makes me love you a little bit less.

If you send me a text that says the following:

r u n?

You can now expect the following response from me:

If you continue to be a complete lazy SOB that can’t type out complete words, then please delete my number. I have nothing to say to you.  Because I think you just told me to run and you were really asking “Are you in”?” So I am crazy pissed that I just took off in a sprint because you are a poor communicator.

I am without a doubt at the end of my rope on this one… its 2010… your phone has a full keyboard, type out the whole word.  I mean for the love of God, most of our phones have auto complete and prompt you with the word.

Do not say THX to me.  If you appreciate whatever I have done enough to say THANK YOU … then f-ing say THANK YOU.  Take the 4 extra seconds to type the whole word.

Do not use x instead of s.  EVER.  Unless you are going to start calling me XHERRY.

Don’t put a z instead of an s either.  That’s just as pathetic.

It’s YOU… not u.  U is a letter.  YOU is a word.  If you use U… then YOU are an asshole.

And stop using letters for statements… No, I will not TTYL.  What the hell?  And if you type IMO instead of “In My Opinion”… well then I don’t give a shit about your opinion.

I am not sending this one out to the cosmic void.  I am sending this one to each and every one of you that abuse the alphabet by whoring it out. 

Stop it. Right now. I mean right now.